“There are a lot of things I wish I would have done, instead of just sitting around and complaining about having a boring life.”

—	Kurt Cobain

Alicia

Self

I truly wonder, having self-respect and painting how you present yourself. I can do it right? I just want to love myself the right way, but I do know past is past and if there's no mistake, one will never learn. Just hope this lesson last a lifetime.

Alicia

Unforgotten draft

No shit, I still have a draft post of you. Hah! How silly of me. Lost my cellphone, it's taking a fucking toll on me. How silly that night was. I cannot and will not open my heart freely anymore. Silliness or stupidity is contagious perhaps, if not, why did I allow to get myself into this?

How ironic.

Alicia

Words

Words, I find them more relatable now than ever. Maybe the lack of reading since young just coils up to depend on words now. More than images, which reads only a single emotions, words are definitely much stronger than one, it conveys much more and much stronger. I'll try to squeeze time and make it a habit to definitely read more. What I lack, I shall make it up. Heh!

But I still lack in going gym as often as I want. Gah.

And I think, I just had the sudden realization that I wanna stop and throw the manner/lifestyle that is actually killing my body. No, seriously. My body's taking a toll. Getting old.

Alicia

Week 4

Sigh, isit wrong to be fairly concerned bout a task eventhough it's not a heavy weightage of percentage? I just wanna ace this semester. I know I'm trying my best to finish this task as another class test is KILLING me :( It's really hard to be concerned about a person's feelings as well as understanding your heart's content to do something. That's why I'm not in a relationship, or else I'd die of trying to figure out what the other person is thinking all the time. FRUSTLAH!

On another sidenote, a little warning for myself,
Don't succumb to people who make you feel special for temporary moments only.

Alicia

New found love!

starts at 2:58

 New found duo. Gettin' in touch with ma J-HIPHOP love here yo. It's beeeen too long. Damn!

(they're a real duo artists, they make covers! awesome!)

Alicia

Cheers to a healthier me!

Gonna have to start rid of all the toxins in my life and start making full use of everything possible. Can't be livin' with regrets! On a very motivational sidenote, I joined the gym! hence the temporal incentive I'm having at this moment. Hah.

Alicia

Rage

People have been pissing me off to no bloody end. Acting as if being all mighty in front of me, just because I'm young. Well, fuck you very much. You're not a bloody bit more mature than me, just so you know. So stop fucking pissing me off to no end, because of what you yourself could not change. I am in no heart to brag shits, but I had good intentions of telling you what you should do, but you just had to give me that shit attitude of yours which people fucking acknowledge you for, it's not the first time, that's why I'm in the verge of fucking flipping this table.

If people could not stand getting advice nor just to listen to a younger person's words, THEN DON'T FUCKING WHINE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! Do you really think a younger person's mind is much less wiser than yours? Do you think a younger person's mind is as childish as yours? Age has nothing to do with how one expresses their opinion. UGH. I'll never forget this humiliation you gave me.

On another situation, even though adults may be right, please choose your words wisely, a fucking kid could fucking rage inside, just so you know. Just because you're older doesn't mean you can insult a much younger person.

I guess I'm born stupid, huh. This is why I hate people, most of the time.

Alicia

Not enough.

Not pretty enough,
Not skinny enough,
Not intellegent enough,
Not good enough.
From being selfishly oblivious to such comments,
I'm now succumbing to these stupid comments,
Yes, I know it's stupid yet I succumb to it.
I'm only human after all.
As you merge into communities or societies, comments are poisonous enough to kill you little by little, unconciously.

Unfortunately, that is.

Getting out.

Trying to get out of my comfort zone, work hard for my last year of degree. Thankful that I've passed all my papers, went for a soulful trip with the bunchs, after a beer session we opened up alot more in the circle, confessions and truths, being a little crazier before I turn to the real adulthood of 21st. Lastly, trying to make full use of whatever there is, enjoy everything, don't laze around, and be a better person than yesterday. We all need to grow better day by day, no doubt.

Alicia

The battle of myself

To be honest, this battle is very lonely.
I'm not sure how to overcome it, but I have to.
As I grew older, I feel more anger, jealously, and also selfishness.
But most importantly, I feel more lonely.

Is there a hand for me to hold on? Or is there hope for me?

Alicia

Tranquilizer

The emptiness that I used to feel oh' so comfortable with has become a fear of myself. My constant empty thoughts have reminded me of how vulnerable I am. Though I appreciate the tranquil moments I'm listening to, I worry for tomorrow may be a repeat of the past. I'm trying to overcome my failures, constantly reminding myself how I've not push myself to the limit, constantly reminding myself how disappointing I am, as a human being I suppose. A soulful human being.

I need a hug, but nobody ever offered. To offer with a sincere heart, I needed it. I need to be told I'm not alone in this realm of downslope, I want to know I can go through and overcome this turbulence. A hug is all I need, I might not want it, but I know I need it.

My recent serenity and tranquilizer.



Alicia

Reminder, bitch. Move your ass next time.

6:49

Because, I needed it

Because this should be a freaking reminder. Start early, you lazy ass. When I do coffee, it's just to stay awake. I'm suuuuuuuch a tea person... Dear tea, I didn't outcast you, it's just your caffeine-ity didn't serve me right, ain't strong enough. Consequently coffee didn't really help, I feel jitterish, or maybe it's happening already.

2500 words in 24 hours time. Nuff said, procrastination at it's best. Have I become so oblivious to the assignment weeks? So numbbb.

We Become What We Practice.

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."
—Aristotle

Source

I am.

"I am jealous of those who think more deeply, who write better, who draw better, who look better, who live better, who love better than I."
—Sylvia Plath

I Confess.

Here's a confession.
I don't read. I don't read enough and I don't read as much as I would.
Let's just say it's been quite a while since I've finished ONE book.
Storybook, that is, magazines don't count.
I read unnecessary stuff at most. Well, beauty articles and irrelevant newsfeeds.
However, as I'm studying authorship which is slightly relevant to literature,
I find it enjoyable. I CONFESS (oh noes... if my classmates know this, they'll bloody laugh at me).
I find it intriguing, but it's one big blackhole of blur.

I wish I could read as often as I could. As now I'm quite oblivious to people, (I actually realize my social skills is deteriorating as of end of last year, was so depressed I couldn't talk without blabbering and slurring, well, that's a WHOLE other story). I would prefer to drown in books. Expand my thoughts and just be smart. I don't know. Authorship is taking a toll on me. It's silently and patiently changing me. I know. Random post because I saw this picture while researching on my assignment. Back to assignments T.T... I hate this, cause we're forced to research it. I CAN DO THIS!

Alicia

Biographical criticism?!

Never have I felt so lost. Actually no. Im always lost in my units but this is the ultimate hardest unit ever!

AUTHORSHIP

Why would one need to study this? What have I done to myself for this semester? Oh man... shit. How do I overcome this?!?! Two essays due on the same week and and in less than a week's time. Shit... oh man. Procrastination at it's finest, dare I say I'm panicking as if I'm chased by debts. That intense yo. HOW?!
May I be bless to go through this week with progression and healthily.

Self hating, never a good thing.

Eventhough family and people are so close in perimeters, does it make a deeper connection?
At times, loneliness really struck at the quietest moments. That quiet moment where feelings and thoughts were recycled and quickly flashed along. Though, we're all gonna die alone one day.
Attachment. Is it necessary then? By attaching to something/someone you place all your emotions and thoughts to it. Of course, in today's society everybody is attach to somebody in some way. Maybe looking forward for a class? Or maybe the need to go out to feel more "alive"?
What I'm trying to say is, we're all gonna be in this "space" where we will always be connected to ourselves, solely our own mind.

I've never learn to appreciate and try to be alone. I need to devote time for myself. I need to think about me, and not care about another as much as I should. Once you're in the zone of trying to be something, you'll lose yourself. I'm losing the sense of myself. I should love and respect myself more. I never admire nor liked myself, but I think this year it strikes me, how it is doubly important to care what my inner thoughts say rather than to listen what other says about my (inner) thoughts.

I have to come to terms that I want to love myself more. No, I need to.

Self-hate is not going anywhere.

Alicia

Cycle.

Trying to do something which you're very much not keen on, the other priorities are set aside to finish it as it's urgent rather than important. The constant day-dreaming which only makes you realized how absurd and far it is. All I do is get tired 24/7 and that I cannot lie. Nothing fascinates me. My mere existence... I sometimes question it too. Where's the ultimate goal in life and what's the purpose? To complete or taste the journey? The reality of reality. I'm sick, suffocating, but all you see is a mere tiny existence. What difference does it make? Often you ask, to live to the fullest or to live merely to stay alive? Dreams, where do it form, how do it form? Can it take me back to the time where everything is simple? But yet the reality is nothing is simple.

Self-help. Where's that part of me? Who, what, where, when, how. The questions we often asks. Answers never satisfy, and there's no right or wrong, I guess it's whether if it's satisfying or not.

Tired.


Alicia

I definitely tried.

And so I tried... I'm not sure how it's fared. It's not bad but not good either :/

Level: Easy

I actually liked the burnt part. It was rather sweet lololol. Not sure if its the carrot or me.

Words

“So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they’re busy doing things they think are important. This is because they’re chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”
— Mitch Albom

Why does this seem to ring a bell?

Alicia

The path of cooking

Finding myself immersed in some recipes sites. I'm truly not sure if it's because I'm getting old, (personally thinks 21 y/o is an age of a seemingly matured adult) or I'm afraid nobody wants a woman who can't cook. Cook as in making oneself feel more homely.

For me, and as a Chinese  I believe eating with family are norms of a daily live. With such attractive technologies and media, people tend to spend more time eating with their devices rather than a human being! I am also one who spends more time with my TV than my family. Which is a little upsetting. Besides, I hate eating alone, especially in public. I rather grab and go than sit and stare. I know it can be enjoyable at times but as a single lady, it reminds the loneliness. Mind the lady who fantasize romance too much. HEH. 

However, health is also a priority as to why I want to cook as well. Getting fit and healthy, and not feeling shitty after eating a whole lot of carbs, fats and red meat. I often do feel so bad I feel like throwing up. Not a good scene. I do think this "path of cooking" is contributed by my close friends too. Seeing my best friends baking makes me feel like baking too. Seeing a guy who can cooks better than me, makes me feel bad for not having a basic knowledge of cooking. Seeing overseas friends being independent and cooking makes me feel obliged to not give silly excuses such as no time to cook. That contributes to the journey of my strong desire to cook.

Speaking about desire, it is also hard to cook as... I would tend to need to cook for 1 person serving because my family mostly don't eat at home, which could lead to food wastage. Secondly, I have no part time jobs nor am I financially capable of buying my own grocery, which I'm already guilty towards my parents, which in the first paragraph I've already stated 21 y/o is already an age where an adult already needs to be mature. It's an age where one could be a mother already. lol. It;s actually not cheap to buy groceries.Thirdly, it's a hassle, but I do find it comforting and a challenge to be able to cook. I mean, cutting veggies and meat are already so troublesome but the effect is rewarding. Fourthly, American recipes are so hard to decipher! Their ingredients are not easily found in Malaysia and if there are, it's horridly pricey which I could buy the actually food than to make it from scratch!

Anyhow, I must anyhow learn how to cook this year. Let's look away from excuses and face our challenges. Furthermore, Pinterest is such an amazing website for cooking ideas. So easy to store and save to read for later. The food I would LOVE to master is Salmon. I hated salmon but came to love it at a sushi king bonanza. LOL, it's healthy too. Why not to love. Heh. Carrot/Sweet potato french fries are good ideas for the junk food day, which minus all the unhealthy fats and you'll feel instantly better knowing that carrot sticks and potato sticks could taste like french fries. Heehee!

Long story short, I just had the whole day browsing recipes, which are kind of unlike me, hence the blog post. Hahahahaha. I do hope I could journey this path momentously and record about it.

Some great finds:

http://pinterest.com/aliciacml/recipes/ - My Pinterest recipes folders which I've saved tons of it.
Fine Cooking - Informative website in general about ingredients, food and how tos.
Delighted Momma - Easy simple recipes this lady have.
Elana's Pantry - Healthy diet recipes in general.
Vege Angel - Everything veggies.
Messy Witchen - Mostly local recipes, where ingredients are easier to find.

To love

"If you love a flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up, it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation."

Well said indeed. Exactly how I've always thought.

2013

Lucky boy

"BEBE~~~"

I see U

Walls

Going BKK tomorrow evening! Spent the CNY back in Kampar. This year is special as my mum's siblings are all back together hence the special gathering, but the fam is smaller as most had went to the UK. Ate like a pig, and ze diet had obviously been erased from the picture. Couldn't resist CNY snacks! It's just a part of the festive to feast like a pig, no? Needa get back on track soon.

Anyhoot, I'm missing my baby boys. No worries, left them for my grandparents to care. My usual routine consists of feeding them after I wake up and bringing them outside to do their daily business. But today when I woke up, the house was quiet as there was no barks that volumes to my room. Their presence are so strong that it has impacted my family as well. Teehee. Parents got kinda lonely without them. As for me, I miss hugging my Lucky, and be very proud of the "ever-so-obedient" Bebe. Note the commas (""). Haha.

Not forgetting, as I've been away for sometime from this not-so-personal journal of mine,
HAPPY 2013 & GONG XI FA CAI!
Oh, I shifted too :)

Alicia