The battle of myself

To be honest, this battle is very lonely.
I'm not sure how to overcome it, but I have to.
As I grew older, I feel more anger, jealously, and also selfishness.
But most importantly, I feel more lonely.

Is there a hand for me to hold on? Or is there hope for me?

Alicia

Tranquilizer

The emptiness that I used to feel oh' so comfortable with has become a fear of myself. My constant empty thoughts have reminded me of how vulnerable I am. Though I appreciate the tranquil moments I'm listening to, I worry for tomorrow may be a repeat of the past. I'm trying to overcome my failures, constantly reminding myself how I've not push myself to the limit, constantly reminding myself how disappointing I am, as a human being I suppose. A soulful human being.

I need a hug, but nobody ever offered. To offer with a sincere heart, I needed it. I need to be told I'm not alone in this realm of downslope, I want to know I can go through and overcome this turbulence. A hug is all I need, I might not want it, but I know I need it.

My recent serenity and tranquilizer.



Alicia

Nell - Standing in the rain.

That’s enough
Is it pain or is it shame
Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter
We would always stand within that,
and the time would just flow along
And there’s no one here to blame

Sincerity is always so powerless
Crumbling away like the sand and
spraying out like the waves
And you just can’t stop the rain

Whether you wanted it to or not,
someday it falls
And we would stand in it again
And when you’re standing in the rain

There is very little we can do
Our heart would wet,
along with the rain.

Alicia

Never like you.

You broke my wings.
You definitely broke my shell.
You gave up in me.
And how the hell do you expect myself to have hope?
YOU gave up on me.
I'll never forget that YOU decided on this.
I'm not the forgiving type either.
But you definitely gave up on this.
I don't want to be you, no.
It's the stupidest fight ever, but you showed how ugly I can be.
You showed how exactly you wanted to be.
I never want to be that. Just remember,
I'm different after this.
You changed me. You gave up on me.
You brought the ugly side of me. So how can I be near you anymore?

I never gave up, you told me you gave up. You did.

Alicia

最爱的花。

Sometimes I think I'm well absorbed/adapted to things or people.
When I see a fish, I feel like I can be and act like a fish.
When I see a nice photo taken, I feel like I too can take one.
When people seems younger than me, I tend to act like I'm older and responsible.
When I drive, I feel like a F1 driver.
When I see sky, I want to feel light and thus I want to be.
When I hear a sad song, I feel sad, and vice versa.
When I see a bunch of flower, I feel like immersing myself with flowers.
Can I be a flower too? Just so in love with flowers.
The beauty of it can't be explained by me.
It's just a beauty that should be appreciated by people and not by words only.

Flowers oh flowers. How I wish to be you.
Growing beautifully yet delicate and kind.
Can I be one? :)

♥

Alicia

Shattered.

Broke another glass.
What does it mean?
Perhaps an omen of something?
I think my mind is in the trash or something.
Can't fucking think straight.
Fucked up sorethroat with dripping mucus.
Fuck yeah!
People think I'm faking it.
Fuck YEAH!
Deceived.
FUCK YEAH!

Time to buy another glass.
Though, there's no replacement of the same one.
Wait, it seems to represent something.

Alicia

Desires.

Like the devils lurking from you,
Deep down it's unknown,
Unnecessary deals you'll want,
Obvious as it is, pulling you closer,
Staring down your spines,
Knowing it'll never happen,
Desires, desires,
Watching as you fall,
Where you'll be doomed as time passes.
Desires, desires.
You'll never own it.


Alicia

Unreachable.

Who is to be blamed, for tugging the strings of my heart,
The you who is perfectly sculpted with the aims as high as touching the sky,
Or me who is only watching from far still hoping for her dreams,
These strings who've been plucked,
The sound it vibrates, mellowly reaching for you,
The you who's oh-so-bright,
The you who's oh-so-perfect,
These strings which you've plucked.

Just a something I'm giving to you.

Alicia

Happiness...Where Is It?

There's always this person I want to become and the person who I hope to become. I've always think I can do it but I would think of the consequences of my action. I'm worried. I'm starting to get worried for everything. My condition is like a fucking roller coaster. I'm so tired of my current life. Everything I do is never a point. There was no meaning in my life. I honestly live for nothing while others pray to live. What is my destiny? I know destiny seems so cliche, but really, what is my destiny? Where is my stand? Where do I stand in this freakingly huge world? Do people even notice my existence? I can't seek my happiness. I just don't find happiness in myself. It could be because I'm still struggling with my issues...or just the past. I can't forget the past nor can I overcome the present. I'm just not happy with myself now... I'm not...

Alicia

How to obtain.

Not in my right mind now. Been sleeping late like nobody's business. You know when you want happiness for yourself, do you compromise or be selfish? If you compromise you'll never be happy and if you be selfish obviously you don't want no shit to be treated back at ya. Besides knowing the truth hurts, so do you stay oblivious or fret over it? What if happiness is all in the mind? You can be happy with yourself and do what you are doing or dwell over it, over and over again. So how do I obtain basic happiness? What is happiness?

Alicia

2NE1 is LOVE.

Never have I found 2NE1's songs this related.

Have a day where everybody is around you but not with you?

Everyone shows a friendly face but not a friendly gesture?

Have a day where you feel damn low?

Just wanna be pretty just like that girl?

HELL YEAH!

Alicia

Repayment.

Thank you.

I can never express it in front of them.

Can I ever repay for what they've contribute?

I don't think so in this lifetime,

But I will definitely try my best to give them the best in the future.

What more can I say?

They gave me food,education,a home and definitely love.

How should I repay them?

Probably by studying hard :)

Sincerely Thank You,

Alicia

Forever.

This month is probably one of the hated months.

Not a day i go by without cursing, and i rarely curse (sometimes)

Don't know maybe PMS or i'm depressed, probably depressed.

Life sucks for now.

Lots of thoughts of what's going on currently. Never had i felt so depressed.

Moreover,

In this century, does anything lasts? What do you think? Part of me believe things will last forever if you definitely put your heart to it and believe, but a part of me knows that NOTHING will last, including ourselves. I'm always torn between the yin and yang. If that made sense? hah. But yeah, I know there's always the good and bad but what if things are meant to be just yes or no, good or bad, up or down, left or right. What's left to do? Go all out and dance all night cause I know nothing lasts? or be wise and stay cool and maintain posture? I don't know.

Trust no one but yourself.

What's life to me anyway?

Never had I so badly want to disappear in my life.

More importantly, WHAT IS LIFE?

Alicia

Endless Goodbyes.

How nice if people could just rely on something lifeless.
How would things turn out?
Would humans be contented with their feelings?
To rely on something that will never meet your expectations,
What for? When you could rely on things rather than someone.
But in order to survive we need to rely on others.
But would the others give in and flatter us?
Or would they say goodbyes and leave scars?

These feelings will never be told.

Alicia

Growing Up.

I'm scared, I'm scared of every single shit. But isn't that normal? I can't just please everybody but I just want peace. But people give faces and their true color shows. That just hits me hard. Treating others like gold but in return all you get is a slap. A slap verbally or emotionally straining your trust and kindness. So question is, this society is already screwed, and people screwing each other so how do we live?

-

University intake coming, best friends going to a far place and just being hardworking ants, emotionally attached to your work and colleagues, starting to worry about your family, family gatherings which I hope would end nicely, the whole Lim clan is coming back from the UK. All these just makes me fall hard. Where do I belong and what the hell do I want? I, a millionth gazillion times said these already and able to see your face cringes at my whines but that's the fact, for now. I'm losing touch in myself lately too. Can I ever repay my parents and the money they invest for my education? Will I be able to make it? Can I ever EVER see their true happy faces?

I'm losing touch.

Losing my sanity and myself.

Alicia

Jotting my thoughts.

What can you do other than to think it's your fault?
Am I at fault for being stupid or naive?
Naive by nature or naive by stupidity?

What could you do when people pick on your weak points?
All you can do is not to sit and stare,
But to smile and walk away.

"We're all good at some things and not so good at others. The Paralympic Games, for example, is an opportunity to educate people to look at disability differently, to say don't judge people on the one thing they cannot do, but on the thousands of things they can do". - Marc Woods.

Alicia

Middle.

Hah, I don't think I could do it.
Whatever shit I've been worrying, I don't have a good feeling.
Graduation's in the next 12 hours or so,
I'm even ranting what to wear for it!
Ugh. Honestly never liked to care bout how I wear my clothes.
But graduation is neither formal nor casual.
WHY things can't be exact.
It shouldn't be a half half thing.
I hate being in the middle of what not.

For example :

• I know mandarin but I'm not good at it.
• I am good in English but I'm just an average writer.
• I am fat but not thin. (lol)
• I'm neither short nor tall.
• I'm neither tomboyish or girly.
• I'm full of feelings in a second and another minute I'm dull as a paper.

WHAT'S BLOODY WRONG WITH ME?! lol.

Wish me luck for graduation and not shame myself.

Alicia

Afraid.

I'm so afraid of the future. Wondering if things would even go well.

I'm considered well-off than others who thinks I'm lucky enough.

I admit, but I too am wondering if these things are worth it.

What should I do for my future now?

I'm at lost. I need a voice but none other than myself's.

What should I do??? I'm afraid to think.

I'm so afraid I'll be alone.

I'm so afraid I'll never cope.

I'm so afraid I'll never learn.

I'm so afraid to be dependent and independent.

I'm so afraid of everything.

What shall I do? Be myself?

Or be able to please everyone?

I'M AFRAID.

Alicia

I want to be.

This sudden but longed thoughts.

I want to be pretty.

I want to be thin.

I want to be smart.

I want to be able to dress up.

I want to be like you.

I want to...be...

Who am I you ask?

I'm just whoever you think I am.

Alicia

Don't Wanna.

I miss writing,

Why didn't I realize it earlier.

Looking but not seeing,

Doing but not feeling,

Remembering but not understanding,

The thoughts that flows,

Could not be interpreted.

Believing despite knowing it,

Trying but no one knows,

We seek help but we choke,

Thus relying alone,

Just disguising.

Pretty much sums up what I'm thinking for now.

I'm so afraid.

Afraid for it may happen but it's on my hands.

There's not much time to fool.

Alicia